I just had my dinner. It was Sunday evening; so I prepared a special dish for dinner. Two varieties of curry with paneer and vegetables along with Indian bread ‘roti’ nicely greased with butter over it. I and my family were just talking casually about some series and I received a call from my cousin. After the call, I didn’t know how to react and, as I lost sense of time and place. My cousin just gave me the saddest news of my life. My dearest uncle passed away due to cardiac arrest. A small description about bonding between me and my late uncle. We were very close and were more like buddies; not less than partners in crime when it came to food. He was my inspiration and always motivated me to grow in life and face any challenge with courage. He taught me to believe in myself. He was my stress buster and my only place to go when I felt sad and broken. Looking at him smile used to cheer me from whatever emotions I was going through at that moment.

I hung up the call and gathered courage and reached uncle’s house. There, I saw him lying motionless on the bed. The doctor just wrote a death certificate and left. For me, it was like I am dreaming and in a while, I will wake and see my uncle alive. But the reality was a reality. He was no more. He was gone. He left for good on his immortal journey. I didn’t know should I praise him at that time for what kind of human he was or should I let my heart cry out and be sad thinking he is gone forever. Facing the reality and accepting it was the biggest challenge for me. I was just recollecting every single moment spent with him. Very last moment was so fresh; as I had met his previous week. He was so healthy and active. We had snacks together and were chatting so happily. I never thought it was our last time together. If I had known I wouldn’t have left him.

The reality of birth and death. No one can ever predict death. Nobody knows how much time more they have to live. We all would have lost someone in family or someone known or someone close to us. Accepting and moving in life is what is expected when we try to talk about grief. But that’s not easy. Everything needs its amount of time; to accept; overcome grief and move on. No words can explain exactly what we feel after losing someone. All we can do is pretend to be normal. Pretend that we have moved on. But in reality how much true it is? For me, it’s not.

I still hope and wish that I had some more time to spend with my uncle. I have so many things to share with him; I want so many things to learn from him; I have so many doubts to be cleared; I constant need his motivation and advice on taking decisions; I have many new varieties of food to be cooked and eaten together; I have many more birthdays to be celebrated with him; I have many more places left to visit with him; to go for long family vacations, and the list goes on. Now I am left with memories and never going to be fulfilled the wish of meeting him again.

Is grieving normally or not? It’s a very natural process in every living being. Even animals grieve when they lose their family members. We shouldn’t force ourselves to come out of the grieving period. It will take its own time. Whenever you are grieving or meet someone who has lost someone; don’t immediately try to use this statement ‘ I know how it feels ‘. Nobody knows what they are going through. All we can do is let them be how they feel. People lose their appetite and sleep after they enter into the grieving period; some for some time and some for longer. People also tend to lose track of time. People also start losing interest in daily life activities.

Everything depends upon the kind of attachment they had with the departed soul. During this period other family members are supposed to be supportive and help that person to pass these phases and get them out of it without actually forcing them. No one can prepare oneself to face this reality of death. Everyone fears losing their loved ones to death. But also we all know one who takes birth has to die; what all do not know is how much time we are left with to spend with our dear ones. People go away only their memories are left behind and a wish in heart ‘ I wish I had more time to spend with you’.

Sejal Davey

Counselor and Coach

(Special educator, parenting,child and career)

   I woke up to shocking news. Sexual harassment and assault incident at one of the reputed school in the city. As one student gathered courage and brought out this incident many joined in and there were so many students speaking about their horrific ordeals.  It was so heartbreaking to hear from such young lads about the trauma they had been through; some may be for few days; some for few weeks and some for few years; don’t know from how long one had been going through this.  I could see everyone started writing about their views and there were demands by many countless people for strict action against the culprit. Though the accused is arrested and I am sure laws will not be kind and the accused will be punished. But that’s all? Does this end here? The role of everyone including parents ends here?

No! I would like to ask one more question here. Why did the student have to suffer? Why didn’t they approach their parents in the very first place? Since the classes are been conducted online; at home; in the presences of parents. I appreciate the courage of students who brought these to light and also helped their classmates to come out and speak about them. Hopefully, that child didn’t undergo this trauma for long. But what about other students who never spoke about it? They were just undergoing the trauma for a long time. They never spoke about it to anyone; neither to their friends nor to their parents. They just kept to themselves and got exploited for days. Many would have wanted to say it but they must be scared and had fear of being misunderstood, but by whom? So only the accused is to be blamed here?

No! Even parents failed in their parenting.  They were unavailable for their own children.  Or their relationship with their children was not so good that their children chose to suffer rather tell them; ask for their help. I have always seen many children hesitate to talk to their parents freely.  I have also seen many parents who are strict with their children; they don’t allow their children to speak; make choices; to express their thoughts and opinions and their feelings freely.  I have seen many children who are close to one parent and are scared of another parent. I have also seen very few children who talk to their parents freely and parents being so attached to their children.  The emotional distance between parent and their children is the main reason why the child suffer and never tell their parents about any kind of bad things happening to them.  Another reason is that; when a child complains about their teachers and their punishments; parents usually blame them without even listening to the whole story; again the child never ever talks about this to their parents. Another reason is that the child is always judged of being guilty without given chance to explain themselves. Another reason is parents burden child with their higher expectations and sometimes the child is left with no option but to undergo so many things to fulfil their parent’s expectations; one such thing is sexual assault by their teachers in schools and colleges.

As a parent have you ever imagined how traumatizing it is for a child to go through such horrific situations and they have no one to share what they’re going through. If your child never came to you in the first place; then I am sorry to say that you failed in parenting. What as a parent you should do? It’s no big deal. Talk to your children. Give them space. Understand them. Don’t give advice always. Be a good listener.  Try to go to their level and understand their feelings. Welcome their decision.  Let them give an explanation for what they have done.  Never put them down in front of others especially their friends. Include them whenever you make any decision. Give them assurance that you are always there for them. Explain to them about your expectations and why are they supposed to fulfil them. Don’t be very strict. Watch their behaviour; if you notice sudden changes in it then talk to them. Try to be friends with their friends.  Give them the confidence to grow.

If you gift your child ‘presence’ than ‘presents’; your child will be grateful to you in future. Children always cherish the time spent with their parents rather than expensive gifts or present given by their parents.  Be wise and available to your children.

Sejal Davey

Special educator and child and career counselor and parenting coach

         “My child always back answers me”; said the mother who had come to me to seek help. And not just one time but this statement she repeated several times. “Can I ever be a good friend of my child? “was the other statement which she said repeatedly.  It’s not just one mother’s statements but most used by almost all mothers of young adults these days, I told to myself.  This mother was referred to me by her child’s schoolteacher. She had so many issues with her child. She had a list of complaints about her daughter.  She couldn’t get over it, and the problems were only increasing day by day and so was the distance between her and her daughter.  Her daughter was 16 years young adult studying in her 11th grade.

She said, her daughter didn’t like to be with her; always ignores her and her advice.  She has even spoken hard words in front of relatives. Mother was very upset and worried about the kind of behaviour her daughter was showing.  Her main concern was to make her daughter understand, that she was her good wisher and not her enemy.  She always wished to be a very good friend of her daughter since the time she was ten, but her daughter had never accepted her as her friend. Her daughter spoke to her only when needed or just to pass on messages.

After listening to the mother for a while, I started asking her about her behaviour with her daughter, from the very beginning.  I asked her to tell me how and how much time she used to spend with her daughter in her initial years of hers. For that, she replied she could hardly spend time with her after she was 3 months old. She had a big family and so was her responsibilities. She used to get time to spend with her daughter was while feeding her and at night while putting her to sleep.  As time passed even, she got busier with doing her duty and responsibility towards her family. She couldn’t accompany her daughter when her daughter first joined pre-school, again because of work. Though she was well educated still she had to send her daughter to tuition. On holidays she had even more work and she couldn’t take her daughter out.  She did mention that at times her daughter had told her that she never had time for her; she was always busy with her work. During festivals, she would try to find time for herself and her daughter, but she could hardly get any as she was again buried with responsibilities.  Mother regretted many times, that she gave very little time to her daughter.

But she was left with no choice. She even regrets that she could hardly take her daughter for shopping her favourite clothes on occasions and her birthdays. To school open days, her husband used to go. Once or twice her daughter had asked her to come along, but again she had the same reason for work.

She recollected an episode with her daughter which had happened 2 years back. She had gone for a family function along with her daughter.

Their dance was organized, and everyone was dancing on turns with their family.  When her chance has come, she called her daughter to join her for which her daughter rejected and left that hall in anger. She was horrified by her behaviour.  At that time, she realized how her daughter hated her and had gone far from her emotionally.  They were left with only the relationship of mother and daughter in front of the world, but emotionally they went too distance. While recollecting the past, her eyes filled with tears. I could sense how much she loved her daughter, but her duty and responsibility couldn’t let her be with her daughter.

I told her that what she has lost can’t mend but still, she has time to bring back her daughter close to her. She can work on her relationship with her daughter.  It will take time but, she can be her good friend in the coming years. I advised her to first ask for apologies from her daughter.  For not being with her till time and had always upset her expectations. But now she will keep her as her priority over her work. She wants to fix things between them and wants to be the best mother. She loves her so much and will always be with her. She has to take time and talk to her often, but if her daughter gets annoyed, she should make her understand and give her space. She shouldn’t force herself on her daughter.  Her daughter too needs time. She has lost her bonding with her mother because her mother was too busy doing her duties.  So, she should be patient and keep trying.  Initially, she might have difficulties gaining back her daughter’s love but with her continues the effort of pouring love and affection, her daughter will sure realize her mother’s feeling and will change. It’s all about understanding and not overlapping expectations on children.

Giving children our attention and time is equally important as giving them all securities and comforts. If you want to be their good friend, then you should give them time. We only communicate with those with whom we are in constant touch. We only become close to those with whom we spend time; share our thoughts and feelings. We feel comfortable with the person who gives us time and space. The same thing applies to our children too.

Sejal Davey
Special educator 
child & career counselor 
and parenting coach.

” I don’t understand why some people behave differently on different days?”

On one fine evening, I had to meet my old friend at the cafe. She had come to her mother’s place for a few days. So we decided to meet without children as we wanted our time together since we were meeting after a long time. We are best friends forever type. We are close to each other from our school days. We did our schooling and our college together from the same place. We shared very special bonding.  We never left each other’s side in any situation.

I was so happy to meet her. We used to talk over the phone regularly but meeting and chatting was something feeling good. I reached earlier in excitement and within a few minutes, my buddy too joined me. We hugged and jumped forgetting where we were.  Our joy had no limits.  But one thing I noticed that pinched me inside was my dear friend’s eyes. She looked so dull and exhausted.  But I chose to be quiet.  We sat and ordered our favourite frappe and started talking about our lives.

We were laughing and giggling but I couldn’t stop looking into her eyes which were saying something else. So I could no longer stop myself and finally asked her. What’s wrong?  Why her eyes are not matching her words? She initially tried to avoid my eager questions.  Then finally she gave up when I made her swear on our friendship.  She was in tears.  She said her marriage life was terrible.  Her husband had a very weird character. She said he trusts her but doesn’t understand him why he suspects her.

Some days he will shower so much love and affection and on some days he will ask suspected questions like whom she is meeting or having affair outside marriage.  For whom she dresses up so nicely. Initially, all this was happening occasionally but now it has been increasing. He suspects her always. Because of his suspicious nature, she has stopped going to her mother’s house often. She has even stopped being in contact with other friends and family members from both sides. She’s not allowed to talk to her co-sisters as well. If he sees or finds out that she had a conversation he will badly abuse her. 

The worst thing was he used to check the stored food provisions every day after he returned from office.  She should eat only when he is at home. Oh my goodness! I thought.  My friend was in tears. He has not spared even her daughter.  He wasn’t happy because he had a daughter he wanted a son. On her birth instead of being happy on becoming the father, he suspected her fidelity.  He went to the extent of asking her whose child was she. On hearing this I was at a shock.

What kind of human is he? Things are getting worst day by day, she said. Now she is not allowed to talk to her own brothers; get dressed nicely; she and her daughter are never taken out by her husband.  All this is because of his suspicious nature.  She doesn’t know how to get herself and her daughter out of this. She is not able to bear now. She got the chance to come to her mother’s house as her husband had to urgently go for a business trip otherwise she couldn’t even dare to come and stay or meet like this to anyone else. 

Hearing all this I was in tears. How much she’s bearing and for whom?. I suggested her she should talk to her parents about it.  It’s not only about her life but also about her daughter’s too.  She deserves a better life too. I told any kind of disease or physical illness can be treated but the suspicious character cannot be treated or changed.  It’s too difficult to live a life with such a person who is so heartless.  Just because she was bearing all these he was not realizing what kind of person he is and how hurtful it is for his wife and daughter.  When asked about did she speak to her in-laws; she said she tried once but her mother in law blamed her and asked her to adjust and live her life like whichever way her son wants. I suggested her to take some firm step. She agreed and had finally spoken to her parents.  Hopefully, they understand her situation and support her because she deserves a better life and her daughter too.

It’s high time.  People should take decisions when they find it suffocating in their relationship because living life with toxic people is not less than hell.

Sejal Davey 
Special educator; child and career counselor and parenting coach. 

“Why does gender bias starts from home”?

I always wondered why my brother was treated, loved and taught differently than me at my house when I was young. I am 22 years old now and my brother is 27 years old. We are born to the same parents; in the same house and same family but he is treated royally and I am being treated like nothing. No values are given to me, my thoughts and feelings. Not even my likes are considered in anything. Even though being younger to my brother I am laid with all responsibilities of taking care of my brother’s needs. I have grown seeing how my other cousin sisters are treated against their brother. It’s the same scenario in all families. I like to get dressed up even when at home; but my granny and mother never allows me. I like to dance and wanted to learn, but was not allowed. I am not allowed to move around in my own house as we have many servants; so I am supposed to be silent and keep eyes on my movements. If any guest arrives at my house I am the first who should go to my room and not ponder unless they live. I cannot laugh loudly; especially when my father and uncles are at home. But none of these restrictions is for my brother because he is a boy. He will carry forward family’s name and I am a girl only born to be married and send off to other’s house.

 There have been many circumstances where I was a victim of gender bias in my family. Like I wanted to do MBA in HR from another city; last year. But I was not allowed. My brother did his MBA from a big reputed institute of the country from another city. Actually he didn’t even want to do, but still, he was sent; not to study but to enjoy his life there. This was the latest episode. Earlier also there are countless incidents where I have sacrificed my desires and feeling just because I am a girl and have no rights to live my life as I wish. My parents never celebrated my birthday except for my very first one. I am never allowed to go on trips unless it is with family for weddings or for pilgrimage. My brother has travelled abroad with his friends and cousins a number of times. I can say that my parents have bought me the best clothes and jewellery but it’s not only that a girl needs. I too have my desires and feeling but those are always ignored.

I wanted to do a job and have my own identity; I requested my parents to allow me. They didn’t agree. I showed the desire to join my father in his business; again I was not allowed. Once I wanted to go to my friend’s wedding in another city. Again I was not allowed. I am even not allowed to hang out with my friends in the city. No movies; no parties; no visiting to friend’s house not even for group studies. But all this is allowed for my brother. No restrictions for him.

I have seen how the ladies in my family are treated. They are laid with full-on responsibilities of family members and their husbands. They wear the best designer sarees and heavy jewellery even at home; that’s all is done for them. Even they are not allowed to do what they want and what they desire. So even my future is going to be like my mother. All I have to be satisfied is with clothes and jewels.

I wonder why is it so. Why girls have to pay on their desires and feelings in their own house? Why they are not equally treated and respected like son in the family? Why have they seen as a burden and responsibility which they shoulder off easily? If we girls are not given desired love and respect in our own house; by our own family and parents then how can we trust outside world? We deserve equal love and respect what our brothers get. Give us responsibilities and also love and freedom to live our own life.

I know this is not happening in all families but in most of the families do happens. I hope after reading these articles parents; if they are doing gender bias between their son and daughter, will stop doing it so. Love your daughters equally. Sons may leave you and move away but daughters will never leave you in any path of her life.

Regards,

Sejal Davey

Special educator; child and career counsellor and parenting coach.