“My child always back answers me”; said the mother who had come to me to seek help. And not just one time but this statement she repeated several times. “Can I ever be a good friend of my child? “was the other statement which she said repeatedly.  It’s not just one mother’s statements but most used by almost all mothers of young adults these days, I told to myself.  This mother was referred to me by her child’s schoolteacher. She had so many issues with her child. She had a list of complaints about her daughter.  She couldn’t get over it, and the problems were only increasing day by day and so was the distance between her and her daughter.  Her daughter was 16 years young adult studying in her 11th grade.

She said, her daughter didn’t like to be with her; always ignores her and her advice.  She has even spoken hard words in front of relatives. Mother was very upset and worried about the kind of behaviour her daughter was showing.  Her main concern was to make her daughter understand, that she was her good wisher and not her enemy.  She always wished to be a very good friend of her daughter since the time she was ten, but her daughter had never accepted her as her friend. Her daughter spoke to her only when needed or just to pass on messages.

After listening to the mother for a while, I started asking her about her behaviour with her daughter, from the very beginning.  I asked her to tell me how and how much time she used to spend with her daughter in her initial years of hers. For that, she replied she could hardly spend time with her after she was 3 months old. She had a big family and so was her responsibilities. She used to get time to spend with her daughter was while feeding her and at night while putting her to sleep.  As time passed even, she got busier with doing her duty and responsibility towards her family. She couldn’t accompany her daughter when her daughter first joined pre-school, again because of work. Though she was well educated still she had to send her daughter to tuition. On holidays she had even more work and she couldn’t take her daughter out.  She did mention that at times her daughter had told her that she never had time for her; she was always busy with her work. During festivals, she would try to find time for herself and her daughter, but she could hardly get any as she was again buried with responsibilities.  Mother regretted many times, that she gave very little time to her daughter.

But she was left with no choice. She even regrets that she could hardly take her daughter for shopping her favourite clothes on occasions and her birthdays. To school open days, her husband used to go. Once or twice her daughter had asked her to come along, but again she had the same reason for work.

She recollected an episode with her daughter which had happened 2 years back. She had gone for a family function along with her daughter.

Their dance was organized, and everyone was dancing on turns with their family.  When her chance has come, she called her daughter to join her for which her daughter rejected and left that hall in anger. She was horrified by her behaviour.  At that time, she realized how her daughter hated her and had gone far from her emotionally.  They were left with only the relationship of mother and daughter in front of the world, but emotionally they went too distance. While recollecting the past, her eyes filled with tears. I could sense how much she loved her daughter, but her duty and responsibility couldn’t let her be with her daughter.

I told her that what she has lost can’t mend but still, she has time to bring back her daughter close to her. She can work on her relationship with her daughter.  It will take time but, she can be her good friend in the coming years. I advised her to first ask for apologies from her daughter.  For not being with her till time and had always upset her expectations. But now she will keep her as her priority over her work. She wants to fix things between them and wants to be the best mother. She loves her so much and will always be with her. She has to take time and talk to her often, but if her daughter gets annoyed, she should make her understand and give her space. She shouldn’t force herself on her daughter.  Her daughter too needs time. She has lost her bonding with her mother because her mother was too busy doing her duties.  So, she should be patient and keep trying.  Initially, she might have difficulties gaining back her daughter’s love but with her continues the effort of pouring love and affection, her daughter will sure realize her mother’s feeling and will change. It’s all about understanding and not overlapping expectations on children.

Giving children our attention and time is equally important as giving them all securities and comforts. If you want to be their good friend, then you should give them time. We only communicate with those with whom we are in constant touch. We only become close to those with whom we spend time; share our thoughts and feelings. We feel comfortable with the person who gives us time and space. The same thing applies to our children too.

Sejal Davey
Special educator 
child & career counselor 
and parenting coach.

“Why does gender bias starts from home”?

I always wondered why my brother was treated, loved and taught differently than me at my house when I was young. I am 22 years old now and my brother is 27 years old. We are born to the same parents; in the same house and same family but he is treated royally and I am being treated like nothing. No values are given to me, my thoughts and feelings. Not even my likes are considered in anything. Even though being younger to my brother I am laid with all responsibilities of taking care of my brother’s needs. I have grown seeing how my other cousin sisters are treated against their brother. It’s the same scenario in all families. I like to get dressed up even when at home; but my granny and mother never allows me. I like to dance and wanted to learn, but was not allowed. I am not allowed to move around in my own house as we have many servants; so I am supposed to be silent and keep eyes on my movements. If any guest arrives at my house I am the first who should go to my room and not ponder unless they live. I cannot laugh loudly; especially when my father and uncles are at home. But none of these restrictions is for my brother because he is a boy. He will carry forward family’s name and I am a girl only born to be married and send off to other’s house.

 There have been many circumstances where I was a victim of gender bias in my family. Like I wanted to do MBA in HR from another city; last year. But I was not allowed. My brother did his MBA from a big reputed institute of the country from another city. Actually he didn’t even want to do, but still, he was sent; not to study but to enjoy his life there. This was the latest episode. Earlier also there are countless incidents where I have sacrificed my desires and feeling just because I am a girl and have no rights to live my life as I wish. My parents never celebrated my birthday except for my very first one. I am never allowed to go on trips unless it is with family for weddings or for pilgrimage. My brother has travelled abroad with his friends and cousins a number of times. I can say that my parents have bought me the best clothes and jewellery but it’s not only that a girl needs. I too have my desires and feeling but those are always ignored.

I wanted to do a job and have my own identity; I requested my parents to allow me. They didn’t agree. I showed the desire to join my father in his business; again I was not allowed. Once I wanted to go to my friend’s wedding in another city. Again I was not allowed. I am even not allowed to hang out with my friends in the city. No movies; no parties; no visiting to friend’s house not even for group studies. But all this is allowed for my brother. No restrictions for him.

I have seen how the ladies in my family are treated. They are laid with full-on responsibilities of family members and their husbands. They wear the best designer sarees and heavy jewellery even at home; that’s all is done for them. Even they are not allowed to do what they want and what they desire. So even my future is going to be like my mother. All I have to be satisfied is with clothes and jewels.

I wonder why is it so. Why girls have to pay on their desires and feelings in their own house? Why they are not equally treated and respected like son in the family? Why have they seen as a burden and responsibility which they shoulder off easily? If we girls are not given desired love and respect in our own house; by our own family and parents then how can we trust outside world? We deserve equal love and respect what our brothers get. Give us responsibilities and also love and freedom to live our own life.

I know this is not happening in all families but in most of the families do happens. I hope after reading these articles parents; if they are doing gender bias between their son and daughter, will stop doing it so. Love your daughters equally. Sons may leave you and move away but daughters will never leave you in any path of her life.

Regards,

Sejal Davey

Special educator; child and career counsellor and parenting coach.

“Why do parents have a habit of comparing their children with others?”

   On one fine evening; I had accompanied my daughter to her friend’s birthday party. Her friend’s mother had invited parents along with kids to the party. The party was well organized, themed decorations and all the arrangements were done grandly. All the children and their parents were having a nice time enjoying music, dance and playing games. It was the cake cutting time. Big huge Barbie cake was bought and the celebration started. Kids were having their best time of enjoyment. The cake was cut; gifts were given to birthday girl and now it was time for dinner. So I along with my daughter and her friends and their parents went to have our dinner.

There next to us was a small family having their dinner. I could hear daughter telling her parents; “mom and dad you know my birthday is falling next month and I want my birthday to be celebrated more grandly than this birthday. I will call all my friends and their parents too. I want it to be celebrated in big hotel”. Immediately the mother said since she doesn’t study well, or never had won in any kind of competitions nor in sports like her friends; so they are not going to celebrate her birthday like this. Her father added to it saying; if she scores well in all her exams throughout the year and starts winning prizes in her school’s extra activities then they might plan for next year. I saw the small child became upset and sad; she didn’t even enjoy her dinner then.

 On entire my way to home; I was thinking about that girl; how upset she had become. Might be she was not expecting this kind of answer or she was so used to of being compared by her parents. I always wonder why children are most the victim of comparisons. Why a child cannot be made to understand without being compared? Things like related to studies, behaviour, achievements, making a wish or asking for something from parents.

They always get replies in the form of comparisons. Right from the time, a child is born; he is compared with other born child for his colour, weight, height, crying and whatnot. The comparisons don’t stop here; it only grows more and more along with the child. Comparisons are made for the development of child to uttering the first word; to taking the first step of his life; to start eating; to growing; etc. The list is endless. It continues even after the child enters school until he grows old. Thank god! Oldies are not often compared in this world.

  The child who is constantly being compared feels humiliated, sad and very low in self-esteem and for this, he is not to be blamed. From the time he understood a thing he had only seen being compared to others. He felt not being valued for anything. Slowly he himself will start seeing that he is not worth anything; he knows nothing. The child’s self-confidence is shattered every time he is been compared.

All this can lead to very serious emotional and mental trauma in a child. He might go into depression and serious effect can even lead to taking the step of suicide. One can think it’s just a simple issue, but no; it’s not. For one who is constantly compared and nagged being compared again and again is just breaking them inner. The child grows as a stubborn and angry adult because he represses his feelings and emotions and even stops talking just in the fear of being compared.

  I would like to ask one question to the parents and others who compare children.  What if your child compares you with other parents? We are not going to like it, we may feel disrespected.  What are we doing to these children aren’t we disrespecting them? Why do we choose comparison as a medium to make them understand something? Why don’t we use a trust instead? Children for whom only parents are their world initially; they come to them with hope and love of being heard but they are mocked and compared. This is so heartbreaking for the child.

I humbly request parents out there not to compare their children; they are human not objects to be compared to find the best. Let us stop comparing and start loving our children.

Regards
Sejal Davey
Special educator, child and career counsellor and parenting coach.

ஈன்ற பொழுதின் பெரிதுவக்கும் தன்மகனைச்

இங்கே சமூக குற்றங்களுக்கு பாதி காரணம் குழந்தைகளை சரியாக வளர்க்க தெரியாத பெற்றோர்களே, ஒரு சிறந்த பெற்றோர்கள் சிறந்த குழந்தைகள் வளர்க்கின்றனர் குழந்தை வளர்ப்பை கலையாக அவர்கள் நினைக்கும் பட்சத்தில் அதை செய்கின்றனர்.

– சோழன்

“Why many parents decide well before the child is grown what will they become?”

It was one of the afternoons; around 2.00 pm; I was at the auditorium of one of the well-known schools in the city. I was called to address the students of 10th,11th, and 12th-grade students. I could see boys and girls sitting on the ground; few among them had not interested expression and while few with excitements on their faces.

I started with a small story about a bird. It was caged but it used to sing beautifully. It used to make a melodious voice and the owner lady just loved hearing to it. The lady had a daughter; very pretty and she had a very sweet voice. She liked to make different voices like mimicking of other human voices and even cartoon characters. But she never liked to sing songs or learn music. Her mother seeing the birds singing so sweetly; now she wanted her daughter to become a singer, she started sending her forcefully to music classes and compelling her to make singing as her passion. Poor child, she couldn’t understand why her mother was doing this to her. The mother started planning for her daughter to be a music singer. The daughter could not understand how to tell her mother to stop forcing her; finally one day she flew bird in the open sky. She thought the cause of her force full singing will go away with a bird and her mother will change her mind.

After telling the story I asked students present there; who among you all can relate to this story. Many raised their hands. They wanted to tell about themselves, but I chose to continue for a time. I told them at this age they are only expected to focus on their career. Questions from whoever they meet will only be related to their future. They will be given suggestions from their parents and others. But they should find out what they want to be. There will be pressure from parents to take up a specific course for their career but it’s they who have to find out what is best for them. These days career counselling has become a huge hit for students to approach and get themself counselled along with their parents.

Then I started giving them highlights on career counselling. I said; it’s the centre where they have to go with their parents. There they are asked to take up the aptitude test. Aptitude tests are known as interest tests too. These tests are used to find out what the child knows better and what kind of career they can choose. Different centres have a different number of tests, but the results will show them what they can use based on their previous knowledge and skills. These tests examine the areas of language, verbal aptitude, spatial aptitude; numerical and mathematical aptitude, etc. The parents are also counselled and they are informed of what kind of career is best for you. They can get their various doubts cleared and answered there. It is no more like earlier days where only doctors and engineers were having recognitions. Today the world is changing and so the other wide numbers of opportunities have come up. Now marks and scores do not decide the future or end the future of any student. If a student is weak in their studies; still he has a bright future.

Every student has a hidden talent. Based on their talent and interest the student can take up their career and farewell in their life. The main thing required is interest and dedication. Nothing is achieved in a night’s time. You have to dedicate yourself to whatever field you are going for. Hard work and efforts will surely lead to success.

I was almost nearing to the end of the session; I got a few students to query asking how to make their parents understand and go for career counselling. For this, I requested the school and management to arrange for one awareness workshop for parents where they can learn about what career counselling is and how beneficial it can be for them as well as to their children. The session was over and I could see many students had a big smile on their faces.

Sejal Davey

Special educator, child and career counsellor and parenting coach.