To my son….From dad!!!!

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“Why is it always that father couldn’t express their love in words to their children especially SONS?”

Close up of father holding his daughter hand, so sweet,family ti

I am 65 years old now; I have two children, daughter, and son. They are both grownup adults and settled in their own lives.  Even though I have everything, what a happy man needs, but still I have unfulfilled desires of mine. I feel always heavy-hearted. What is it that I am missing? Well, whenever I see my children I smile. They talk so much to their mother, I listen too. They celebrate Mother’s Day, Women’s day every year, I join too happily, but I still feel I am missed! How easily the mother is able to say their children how much she loves them. But why is it so difficult for me to say to my children how much I also love them.

My wife easily tells them what is she feeling and expecting. She is heard also. Even I am heard if I say something sometimes. But I couldn’t express my feelings, emotions, and expectations which I hardly have to my children especially to my son. He is so close to his mother, his friends, his uncles, and all; but we are not close enough. I have seen him expressing his feelings and needs to others but never to me. This breaks my heart. Where did I go wrong? Or what did I miss?

I want to hug my son and tell him how much I love him. I want to say how much he means to me; my world revolves around him and my family. You remember my son! When you were very young around 5 years old, during evenings when I used to come home from work, you used to run and come and climb on me. You never used to let me keep my bag. I; then carried you all around the house on my shoulder. Those were the happiest moments of us together. It was my stress buster.  You always said when you were young, that you want to be a big man like me. I was your hero. I felt so nice about myself, because my little one, my son admired me so much. You used to hold my hand’s little finger while we stepped out of our house. I never knew when and how that little grip of yours left its hold from me and moved so away.

I remember, when he was young and had failed for the time in his exam, I didn’t sign on his test paper because of which he was punished. I just wanted to show him that low marks are not accepted and he has to work hard because he is capable of. But I couldn’t tell him and he had a niche on me after that. As already I was made a villain by his mother just to make him study well like other mothers. But from the next exam onwards I was careful tried not to hurt him as he never got failed again.

Father kissing his baby in the park

I used to be away for work on weekdays, but on weekends I always assumed I was at home with my family and my kids. I always waited for Sundays as my son would be playing cricket with me in the mornings and then he would make cute faces to please me so that I can take him out for dinner in the evenings. Such lovely memories of us together. I wish I could have made more memories by spending some more time with him. He was growing on one side and I was getting busy on another side growing my business. I have missed so many chances of standing with him when he most required me, I know I have disappointed you, my son. But I was doing all these for you and our family. I wanted to give you everything that you desired.

I remember another incident where I had disappointed you again. He was in the urge to choose his career as he was stepping into college. He wanted me to decide, but I took one step back and gave him full freedom to choose. I didn’t want to lag him, burden him with my thoughts. I wanted him to make decisions for his own life. For which he thought I was never bothered of him and neither interested in his life, which was not correct. We had misunderstandings, which never ended. He never talked neither I explained to make things clear.

Years have passed; he is grown big now and well settled. He has taken our business to a new level. I am so proud of him. But even today I have failed to say him this. My only wish is to make things clear. Explain to him why I didn’t stand with him but I was always his shadow. It was trust in him not that I was the negligent father. I really want to hug him and say “I love you my son” before I am gone.

Sejal Davey

Special educator, child & career counsellor and parenting expert.

Image credit: freepik.com

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